


No Regrets

by moxanna



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Pining, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 12:21:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11691516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxanna/pseuds/moxanna
Summary: Vignette style story of Ashley's growing crush on Lt. Alenko.





	No Regrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nanrea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanrea/gifts).



Ashley bobbed her head absentmindedly to the bass as she walked into Flux. To the surprise of no one, Feros had been yet another a shitshow, so the Commander had granted everyone a night off on the Citadel while she handled Important Spectre Business.

  
So Ash donned some civvies and went to check out Flux for real, without her commanding officer looking over her shoulder. Try some of the drinks, scope out any cute guys, maybe even dance a little. Just see what kind of trouble she could get into. As she wound through the other patrons towards the bar, a very unexpected sight caught her eye. Lt. Alenko, also in civvies, at the top of the stairs, playing quasar. She smirked. After getting herself some kind of fancy asari cocktail (research for girl’s night, of course), she made her way upstairs.

  
"Didn't figure you for this kinda place, LT." Kaidan looked up, his brow furrowed.

  
"Honestly, neither did I, chief."

  
Ashley gave him a moment to elaborate, but he seemed content to let the comment hang on its own.

  
"Feel like sharing?" she prompted.

  
The quasar machine dinged, and Kaidan smacked it with a grunt.

  
"Dammit. Can't seem to get lucky here tonight," he muttered. Then, under his breath, "Or anywhere."

 

Ashley quirked an eyebrow at that.

  
"Girl troubles, LT?"

  
Kaidan snorted. "Funny you should put it that way."

 

Ashley pulled up a stool and put her drink next to the quasar machine.

   
"Alright. Spill. And don’t bother being coy. Everyone knows you and Shepard have been circling each other since you got on the same boat. What happened?"

  
"Not entirely sure. I thought we had something going, but it turns out she prefers our illustrious Prothean expert,” he muttered, still mostly focused on his game.

  
"Aw damn, Alenko, that sucks." She took a sip and swirled her drink he the glass. "Want me to beat her up?"

  
That seemed to startle Kaidan’s attention away from his game.

  
"Do I want you... to fistfight Shepard? Our commander... the first human Spectre?"

  
Ashley tried not to be insulted.

  
"Alright, maybe not. That's just always my go-to response whenever my sisters get their hearts broken."

  
Kaidan chuckled again.

  
"Thanks Ash, but I wouldn't go so far as to say my heart's broken. Pride bruised a little, maybe, but I think I'll live."

  
"Glad to hear it." She flagged down a waitress. "Next round's on me."

  
While they waited for their drinks, Ashley watched Kaidan lose another round. 

  
“Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?”

  
“Never claimed to be a smart one. Especially not with a few drinks in me.”

  
“Tipsy, LT? I didn’t think biotics could even get drunk.”

  
“We can. Just takes some trying. And tonight, I’m trying.”

  
Ashley hit her glass to his.

  
“I’ll drink to that.”

  
They spent a while in companionable silence. Ashley was people watching; Kaidan was still losing. She couldn’t help but feel a little irritated with the commander. Getting involved- even if it just seemed like harmless flirting- with a subordinate could only ever end up with complications and hurt feelings. Shepard should have known better.

  
Ashley took another sip.

  
"I could totally take her."

 

 ***

 

Kaidan wasn't at breakfast. It had been about a week since their accidental encounter at Flux.  Shepard didn't seem concerned, but as far as Ashley could tell, Kaidan was never late to anything. She went to check on him after she was done.

 

She rapped lightly on his hot bunk with her knuckle. "You alive in there LT?" All she got in response was a groan and the pneumatic hiss of the lock releasing. Kaidan was on his side in the fetal position, with his pillow over his head. Ashley didn't say anything for a second. What was she supposed to say? It was... strange to see him like this, to say the least. Even after getting knocked out of a fight, he was up on his feet immediately after, ready for the next one. To see him like this, curled up and hiding from the world. It was a side to him she hadn't expected.

 

"Your implant?" she asked softly. The pillow moved up and down. "Is there anything I can do? Can I bring you something?"

 

"Uh uh," was the reply. Every syllable sounded like an effort.

"Okay, then, I'll just... " she let herself trail off. She closed the bunk's cover as softly as she could. She couldn't just not do anything. He sounded like he was in agony. Dr. Chakwas had to know something. 

 

In the end, the best Chakwas could recommend was water and rest. There just wasn't anything else for it. Ashley didn't know what she expected. Some kind of magic cough syrup that could cure the side effects of a shitty implant? No wonder there were biotics willing to hold people hostage for just the hope of relief. Kaidan was almost completely knocked out, and from what she had heard, he didn't even have it all that bad. What did other biotics have to go through?

 

So she grabbed a bottle of water and left it outside his bunk. She knew it wouldn't really help, but she had to do try. 

 

 

***

 

"I assume I have you to thank for the present that was left outside my bunk this morning?" 

 

Ashley jumped at her workbench. "Yeah, well, I had to do  _something._ You were curled up like a sick quarian," she shot back. She couldn't help that she felt almost... defensive, like he was accusing her of shirking cleaning duty. 

 

Kaidan put his hands up in a placating gesture. She saw he was holding a plastic bag. "Just thought I'd return the favor. You weren't at dinner again."

 

It was true; Ashley often ate dinner late alone if she was working. 

 

"Alright, LT, whatcha got?"

 

Kaidan opened the bag a little so she could see inside. There were a couple MREs and water bottles. 

 

"It's not much, but you need to eat." He gave her a crooked half smile. "Figured we could... I don't know... make something of a picnic of it? If you have time?" 

 

She stared at him for a moment. Was he for real right now? A picnic... in the cargo bay. Who does that?

 

He started to shift his weight. "Of course, if you don't want to... I mean it was a stupid idea... Just thought you should eat something..." He started to turn to go. She grabbed his arm. 

 

"No, that sounds great, sorry. I was just surprised." That seemed to help.

 

They set up behind the Mako, which was as close to privacy as anywhere else on this damn ship. As they unpacked their meager lunch, Kaidan asked, "So, you mentioned sisters before? In Flux? I'd assume you were the oldest what with the casual threat, but with you..."

 

Ashley laughed. "Yeah, I'm the oldest, but you're right. I'll scrap with anyone who messes with my sisters, no matter who's the oldest."

 

She went into her sisters and family. Kaidan remarked that he was an only child. 

 

"So no one to mess around with as a kid? That must've been tough on your parents." She thought of her sisters and how when she was getting too rowdy, her mom would send them all outside to play it off.

 

"Maybe, but I don't think I was ever a real 'mess around' kind of kid," he said.

 

"This is my surprised face," she answered dryly. He laughed.

 

"Yeah, I don't think it was ever really hard on them till I got shipped off to Brain Camp. Being away for months without any communication was... tough."

 

"Yeah, that must've sucked. Can't imagine going that long without talking to my family." They fell into an easy silence after that, both picking at their MREs.

 

"So, earlier, was that... normal?"

 

"What the migraine? Yeah, I guess so. I'm pretty lucky. I just get some headaches, nothing too bad."

 

"Didn't look like 'just some headache.' You sure you're alright now?" 

 

Kaidan just shrugged. Ashley knew she would hate it to have someone fussing over her like this, but she couldn't shake the image of him curled up like that. 

 

"As alright as I'm ever going to be," he sighed after a moment. She was taken aback by how vulnerable he sounded. She hadn't come to expect that kind of honesty from people. 

 

***

 

Some time later, Ashley walked into the medbay to grab some extra medi-gel for the next mission. The last mission had banged them all up pretty good, and she was cleaned out. What she found was Kaidan. Shirtless. Sitting on the examining table while Chakwas applied medi-gel to his back. She stopped short.

 

Tried not to stare. 

 

Failed.

 

Tried to stop the warmth that was growing in her stomach.

 

Also failed.

 

Chakwas saved her by asking her if she needed anything. She mumbled something about needing spare medi-gel, and finally tore her eyes away as she turned to the canister on the wall. Then promptly left

 

_What the hell was that?_

 

***

 

Later, during her night shift, she laid in her bunk and tried to sort through what happened earlier. Step by step, here's what she knew:

 

1) Her and Kaidan got along well between missions. 

 

2) She wanted to protect him, whether he needed her to or not.

 

3) He was hot.

 

But that didn't like, mean she had a crush on him or anything. Just that she wanted to spend more time with him. And maybe some of that time with him shirtless. That's something friends do, right?

 

"Fuck," she whispered to herself.

 

***

 

Ashley slammed her helmet into her locker. She knew somewhere in the back of her mind that she should be grieving, but she just couldn't find it at the moment. All she found was anger.

  
Anger at that damn salarian for making them split up.

 

Anger at Shepard for making the wrong decision.

 

And, yeah, anger at Kaidan for having to play the goddamn hero and getting himself killed. 

 

Her eyes stung. No. No, she was not going to lose in here in the cargo bay, in front of Garrus and Wrex. She finished unloading her weapons and armor and went upstairs.

  
When she got to her hot bunk, she threw herself in and tinted the cover. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to sleep. She was still trying to put together the last few hours. Kaidan’s last words were still echoing in her head. The tears finally spilled over. She turned her head into her pillow and let herself cry.

 

"I don't regret a thing."

 

What about her regrets? All the things she still had left to say? She didn't even know how she felt. Now, she would never get a chance to find out. Had she always just assumed that she could talk to him once things went back to normal? Or had she just assumed that if anyone wasn’t going to come out of this thing alive, it would be her?

 

Yeah, so maybe there was some part of her had idly daydreamed about going out like a martyr for the Williams name. Which the commander had so astutely pointed in front of the whole damn crew.

  
And now she was back to anger. She was furious with Shepard. Why the hell would she leave Kaidan there? It didn’t make any sense. And then have the nerve to pull some psychoanalysis bullshit on her in front of everyone.

  
She had never felt so betrayed. Shepard had told them that they would all make it out in once piece. Ashley had believed her. She had always deeply respected Shepard. She trusted her, both as her commander, and as her friend. Ashley would have gladly followed Shepard into dark space if she had asked, but letting her live while Kaidan died? That was unforgivable.

  
It was all too much. Too damn much. How could she live with this?

 

Then something came to her. Something her dad had told her after she had gotten dumped by her first boyfriend. She had been a wreck, sobbing for hours. Looking back, it all seemed so childish now, but she was convinced she couldn't go on. Her dad had told her, “Sometimes, the only way out, is through.” She sniffed and wiped her face. 

  
She was going to live with it because she had to. She was going to see this thing through- the Reapers and Saren and whatever else the galaxy could throw at her. Because she didn't have a choice. And neither had Kaidan. 

**Author's Note:**

> My first submission ever to an exchange. I've never written this ship before, but I loved writing this! I hope you liked it!


End file.
